


In Which a Group of Idiots Flail Their Way Through a History Assignment and Assorted Mayhem

by SleepingDragons



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, High School AU, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Historical Inaccuracy, Humanstuck, Multi, No one actually gets hurt, Non-Binary Sollux Captor, POV Karkat Vantas, POV Second Person, Polyamory, Trans Character, Trans Karkat Vantas, Trans Male Character, a history project ripped shamelessly from my own high school, casual discussions of mummifying a teacher, embalming (discussion), failed studying, god that caused me so much stress, pesterlogs, taxidermy (discussion), the high school experience of having way too many tests in one week, there's signless for like 2 secs, they're just venting cause they're stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 02:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15281178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepingDragons/pseuds/SleepingDragons
Summary: “Never before have I wanted to maim a teacher this intensely,” you mutter.“Why stop there?” Sollux pipes up from where they’re sitting on your floor, flashcards strewn around them.Aradia grins.  “Can I keep the body?”“Only if you promise to mummify it, since he likes artifacts so damn much,” you say.“You know, I think I could actually do that…” Aradia says.“But really, who the fuck assigns a group project right before a huge test?”  you say, turning back to your schedule.  The project was due on Tuesday, and the test for the same class was on Wednesday.  And of course, that’s not it.  There’s another test on Wednesday in a different class.  Don’t the teachers fucking talk to each other?  Can’t they avoid this shit?





	In Which a Group of Idiots Flail Their Way Through a History Assignment and Assorted Mayhem

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GlassesBlu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassesBlu/gifts).



> This is my fill for the polyswap for the lovely GlassesBlu. I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoy reading it!
> 
> Disclaimer: the project and all of the information from it was remembered from at least 5 years ago. There may be new information, or maybe I just remembered things wrong or got my information from some not so great sources. So if I am massively incorrect, that would be why.

“Never before have I wanted to maim a teacher this intensely,” you mutter.  


“Why stop there?” Sollux pipes up from where they’re sitting on your floor, flashcards strewn around them.  


Aradia grins. “Can I keep the body?”  


“Only if you promise to mummify it, since he likes artifacts so damn much,” you say.  


“You know, I think I could actually do that…” Aradia says.  


“Really, you can do that?” you ask her.  


“It won’t be as intricate as the ancient Egyptians, but I could definitely preserve the body. You remove the organs and pack the body with salt and herbs. I read somewhere that Borax would work, too. The real question is how do we get that much stuff without looking suspicious.”  


“We could buy it in different places,” Sollux suggests. She nods, a considering look on her face.  


“We don’t strictly need it all at once, either. So we could spread out our purchases,” she says.  


“You’re not doing it in my house,” Sollux says. “I do not need to deal with that smell.”  


“Of course not! I’d do it at my house, silly. No one would even notice, especially since I’m working on a taxidermy crow for Dave.”  


“You guys are putting way too much thought into this,” you say, shaking your head. “It’s frankly a little disturbing.”  


Sollux shrugs and Aradia grins.  


“But really, who the fuck assigns a group project right before a huge test?” you say, turning back to your schedule. The project was due on Tuesday, and the test for the same class was on Wednesday. And of course, that’s not it. There’s another test on Wednesday in a different class. Don’t the teachers fucking talk to each other? Can’t they avoid this shit?  


“And it’s a crafts project. I thought we stopped doing those in eighth grade,” Sollux says.  


“Do you guys want to study for the test or work on the project first?” Aradia asks.  


Sollux shrugs, so you suggest studying. They hand you a stack of flashcards.  


The studying lasts about 15 minutes before devolving into nonsense. You throw a card at Sollux when they get something obvious wrong, and they retaliate by stabbing you in the side with a paperclip. You of course end up launching yourself at them. You and Sollux wrestle across the floor. Aradia laughs and climbs onto the bed to get out of your way. You grab a shoe and hit Sollux in the shoulder and then scramble back.  


“Ow! A shoe? Really, kk?” They look at Aradia. “That has to be a foul.”  


“Nope,” she says cheerfully.  


You continue to brandish your shoe at your datemate, while you pant for breath. After a few moments, Sollux narrows their eyes at you.  


“Wait, are you still binding? Dude it’s been at least nine hours. You can’t do that.”  


“What, seriously?” you say, pulling out your phone to check the clock. You lost track of time.  


When you come back after wiggling out of your binder in the bathroom, Sollux’s stretched out on the floor with their head in Aradia’s lap. They’re doing something on their phone, but you can’t tell what.  


"Hey, we're supposed to be studying!" you say.  


"Chill out, kk, we're just taking a break." They don't even look up from their phone.  


"The test is Wednesday!"  


"It'll be fine, babe," Aradia says. She pats the ground next to her and you reluctantly sit down. She pushes her curls over to her other shoulder, and you lean against her, resting your head on her shoulder.  


"What are you doing, anyway?" you ask Sollux.  


They look up from their phone. "Trying to work through the bugs in this code."  


"What's wrong with it?"  


"Whenever I try to enter this command, the whole thing crashes. I'm thinking I made a typo somewhere."  


"Probably."  


You watch them code for a while longer before Aradia reluctantly informs you that it’s time to get back to studying.  


"Can we at least work on the project instead? I'm going to die if I look at another flash card," Sollux says.  


You agree, and grab your laptop from your bag while Aradia pulls out the assignment sheet.  


"We have the Aryan Indians, right?"  


"Yeah. Whoever the fuck they are. It sounds like a damn oxymoron to me," you grumble.  


Ten minutes' Googling later, you're even more confused than before.  


"What the fuck is this? Apparently there's debate over whether or not they even exist! How the hell is that a question! There are artifacts! Clearly, unless they fucking crashed to earth on a wayward meteor, someone had to make them!"  


"Someone had to make them even if they did come from a meteor," Aradia points out.  


"Whatever. Point being, they have to exist. Did anyone else get stuck with a potentially mythical society?" You grab the list of civilizations.  


"I don't know, ancient Egypt seems pretty real to me," Sollux says.  


"You're fucking kidding me. Someone else got ancient Egypt and we're stuck with people that couldn't even decide if they were going to bother to exist or not?"  


“Whoa, kk, chill.”  


“I will not chill! This is 30% of our grade, you blithering idiot!”  


Aradia turns and presses a quick kiss to your lips and then takes advantage of your moment of stunned silence. “Hey, we just have to make the artifacts for this right?” You nod. “And then we hide them in the classroom, and find another group’s project. So once we’re done making these, we don’t have to worry about the Aryan Indians at all.”  


"Some other poor fuck has to do a presentation on them," Sollux snickers.  


“So you can relax a little,” Aradia says.  


You let out a breath. “Fine.”  


Aradia motions for the laptop, and you hand it over. This of course means that Sollux has to get up. You both end up leaning against either side of Aradia, watching her navigate articles detailing different artifacts and the potential civilization behind them.  


After reading several articles and skimming through a few more, she nods, satisfied. "It looks like it's not so much a debate over if people existed there or not, so much as it's about where the people were from. There's also something about there being a few different groups they think could be these people.”  


"So there's stuff, but they're not sure who exactly made them?" Sollux asks.  


"Sounds like it."  


"So, what are we going to make?" you ask.  


"It looks like they had pottery bowls. We could do that. And then there's this statue guy. We could make a smaller version of him." She points at the screen, which has a picture of a stone bust.  


"Ok, how do we do that?" Sollux asks.  


Aradia turns to you. "Do you have any clay stuff?"  


A search of the house reveals that you have the materials to make exactly none of the artifacts you had in mind.  


"Dad, I'm taking the car," you call, grabbing the keys off of the hook on the wall.  


"What for?" he yells from his office down the hall.  


"We need to go to the store to get materials for this stupid project."  


He pokes his head out of the office. "Cool. Then you can get groceries, too. The list is on the refrigerator."  


You groan, but go to grab it anyway.  


You all pile into your small car and drive to the nearest craft store. Once you get there, you realize you have no idea where anything is. Rather than ask like sensible people, you wander the halls, searching for clay. You pass by the yarn aisle. Well, you pass it by. Aradia and Sollux do not.  


"It's so soft!" Aradia says, holding a bundle of dark red yarn. She tosses it at Sollux, who manages to catch it before it hits their face.  


"Holy shit it is."  


"Do you think I could make something out of this?" she asks, holding up more of the yarn.  


You raise an eyebrow. "Do you know how to knit?"  


"Not really, but how hard can it be?"  


"Maybe later."  


You spy a sign hanging over the aisle declaring clay and pottery. You drag your datemates along, pretending not to notice that Sollux snagged some of the yarn and a pair of needles.  


"How the fucking hell are there this many different types of clay?" you ask. There are hundreds of tubs of the stuff lining the shelves.  


"What kind do we even need?" Sollux asks, picking up a random tub.  


"Probably one that dries quickly, and doesn't need a kiln," Aradia says. That makes sense, so you start searching the shelves.  


"Literally all of these need to be fired in a kiln," you say, putting the most recent tub down with more force than strictly necessary.  


"Not this one!" Aradia says, excitedly pointing to a jar.  


"How long does it take to dry, though?" Sollux asks, frowning.  


Aradia spins the jar around to check the label before visibly deflating. "Three weeks before it's completely dry."  


"Well fuck that then. Fuck that up the ass every day and twice on Sunday" you say, throwing your hands in the air.  


An employee, perhaps drawn by your loud swearing, approaches.  


"Do you need help, sir?"  


You explain the issue, and they direct you to an aisle with kids crafts. You pick up a few tubs of air dry clay meant for kids. It's non toxic and will only take three days to dry.  


After that, you head to the grocery store.  


"Okay, listen up, we are going to divide and fucking conquer. Sollux, you can go get the dairy stuff. Aradia, you get the bread. I'll be getting the produce. We can meet back up at the book section, by the cashiers." You tear the list into sections, handing them off to your datemates.  


"Of course, all powerful leader," Aradia says in a mock serious tone. Sollux rolls their eyes, well used to your bossy tendencies.  


Armed with baskets, you each split off in different directions.  


Later, you wait about five minutes at the book section before realizing they should be here by now. You whip out your phone and send a text.  


CG: WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?  


AA: s0rry we g0t distracted were in the w0mens cl0thing secti0n  


CG:THE FLYING FEATHERED FUCK ARE YOU DOING THERE? THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR THE DAIRY OR THE BREAD!  


TA: chiill out kk we already got the 2tuff.  


You huff and head off in their direction, putting your phone back in your pocket as you go. When you finally find them, you see Sollux toss a hat to Aradia. She grins and puts it on. She turns to a mirror and adjusts the hat. When she turns back to Sollux, you can see it's the same style of hat as Indiana Jones, and you can't help but smile.  


She notice you and her eyes light up. "Karkat! How do I look?"  


"Hot," Sollux says, before you have a chance to respond.  


"You look great," you tell her, and it's true. She looks gorgeous, but not because of the hat. She always looks gorgeous when she's this happy.  


She tips her hat at you before taking it off, about to put it back on the hat rack.  


"Hey, let me see that," you say.  


She hands it over and you flip it upside down and check the inside for a price tag. It's only $10. You put it in your basket.  


She pulls you into a hug and kisses your cheek. "Thanks." Her breath is warm on your ear and your face is hot when she pulls away.  


"Do we have everything?" you ask.  


"I already told you, we got all the stuff on the list," Sollux says.  


"Unless," Aradia sing songs. "We get snacks for later."  


"Doritos?" Sollux asks.  


"Why not?"  


"Yes, hell yes, hell fucking yes," Sollux says.  


You head off to the chips aisle, grabbing Doritos, tortilla chips and salsa. Then Aradia drags you to the cookies and throws a few packages of chips-ahoy into the basket. By the time you're done, you have plenty of snacks for the night. You know your Dad isn't going to be too pleased, but oh well.  


When you get back to the car, you realize that the trunk is already full, between the craft stuff and the boxes left over from your Dad's work. So you just pile the groceries around Sollux in the backseat. They glare at you, but dutifully hold the eggs in their lap so they won't break.  


Once all the groceries are put away, you commandeer the kitchen table for the damn project. Aradia pulls up pictures of the statue and bowl you're trying to make while Sollux tears the shrink wrap off of the container.  


"So who wants to do what?" you ask.  


"Sollux and I can make the statue if you work on the bowl," Aradia says.  


"Great. How the fuck do you make a bowl?"  


"Do you want me to try?" Aradia offers.  


"No, I fucking got this, I just need to know how." You look up easy pottery methods and find one that doesn't look too hard. You roll the clay out to about an inch thick layer and cut out a circle. That will be the base of the bowl. Then you grab a chunk of clay and start rolling it between your palms, making a long coil. You make a few before Sollux notices and abandons the slowly forming statue to make snakes with you.  


When your bangs fall into our eyes you push them back automatically before realizing that you now have clay in your hair. "Fuck!"  


Sollux chuckles. "It's like kindergarten art class all over again."  


"Shut up," you say, walking over the sink to wash your hands so you can attempt to get it out of your hair without getting even more of the stuff on it. "That was your fault anyway."  


"Was not."  


"Was to! Wait, did messing around with playdoh rot our brains so much that we've regressed back to kindergarten? Are you going to start eating glue?"  


"That was one time!" They yell indignantly.  


"But you still did it!"  


Sollux grabs a small piece of clay and throws it at you. It misses and lands in the sink. You glare at him. "Are you seriously trying to tell me it wasn't your fault when you just nearly did the exact fucking thing you did then?"  


"Wait, so Sollux threw clay at you in kindergarten?"  


Sollux shrugs, not denying it, but not confirming it either. Asshole.  


"And I didn't realize it was in my hair. By the time I got home it had dried into a giant clump and we ended up just cutting it off!"  


"That sucks," Aradia says. She almost reaches for her own hair before remembering she has clay on her hands and stops. "I'd hate to have to cut off my hair."  


"Eh, not really. I wanted it shorter anyway."  


Once the damn clay is out of your hair, you return to making snakes with Sollux. Once you have enough, you start piling them on the edge of the circle, forming the walls of the bowl. Sollux uses a plastic spoon to smooth the coils together, so it looks like one solid piece of clay. You set the bowl aside and go to help Aradia with her statue.  


She already has the general shape done, and she's currently working on the nose. You set about carving the designs on his sash while Sollux works on the eyes. In the end, he looks halfway decent. It's at the very least recognizable as the statue in the picture. They both get very carefully tucked away on a shelf where they won’t be in the way and won’t get knocked over, because you are absolutely certain you will scream until your throat bleeds if they get destroyed before you can turn them in.

**Author's Note:**

> I initially planned an additional chapter for this fic. However, that chapter is no longer feasible. Seeing as the first chapter meets the requirements for the assignment and is a complete story (the second chapter was going to essentially be a new fic set in the same universe with the same characters) I have decided to mark it as complete. That said, I do still love these characters and the universe, so I may write little shorts set in this universe.


End file.
